I Apply to be the Next Ole Miss Head Coach

Times are tough in Oxford, the football team stinks, the basketball team stinks, the baseball team stinks, and William Faulkner is dead. Ole Miss has begun a search for not only a new head football coach but also a new Athletic Director, but that is not enough. I am going to apply not only for Head Coach and Athletic Director but a new position created by my bold vision of Ole Miss' future. I think once you read this application you will agree I am the man for not only this job , but every job. (No, I won't run for President, the world is not ready.) I downloaded a copy of the actual Ole Miss job listing and will be filling out my application and sending it in on Monday. Perhaps Tennessee's loss is Ole Miss' gain?

COVER LETTER:

Mr. Elisha Archibald Manning III and a company of friends

November 18, 2011

Dear Archie Manning and search committee that will rubber stamp whatever Archie Manning says,

I am honored to be writing to such a famous athlete and hero of not only college football but the NFL. I know that you have never really gotten enough credit for your athletic abilities because of the challenges you faced. Ole Miss and the Saints, yikes, those guys were worse in the 70's than this year's Colts. As someone who grew up in Mississippi your name was one of the three most often tossed about when the conversation of what Mississippi contributed to the world came up. (Oprah and Elivs being the top two names)

I know the task before you must seem monumental. You are charged with finding a replacement to legendary crazy person Houston Nutt. You need a coach that will understand not only where Ole Miss comes from but where it needs to go ... also how to get there. That last part may seem self evident but I felt the need to stress it. Ole Miss has a history of coaches who knew where Ole Miss came from and where they were expected to go, but no idea how to get there. Ed Orgeron didn't know how to get his arms in the arm holes and his head in the head hole of a t-shirt without help.

I have enclosed an application, a resume, and various other materials. Please carefully consider my plan for Ole Miss. I know that this is a job opening for Head Football Coach only, however, once you read this impressive plan you will know I am going to mean so much more to the University of Mississippi. I would like my coronation to be in the spring, Oxford is so pretty in spring.

All the best,

Bandit Ref

banditref@gmail.com

www.banditref.com

@banditref

APPLICATION:

REFERENCES:

"I gave Bandit Ref my pine box." - Tommy Tuberville

"Bandit Ref is an inspiring leader." - Julius Caesar

"All schools are required to have a head coach, even Ole Miss." - Mark Emmert

"If Bandit Ref slapped me I would be honored." - Gen. George Patton, the sentiment was echoed by Woody Hayes and the Clemson football team shortly after however.

VISUAL REFERENCES PROVIDED BY KING CRIMSON: