I Apply to be the Next University of Tennessee Athletic Director

BANDIT REF FOR TENNESSEE A.D. !!!

As we all know the University of Tennessee recently fired esteemed court jester and Athletic Director Mike Hamilton. It came to my attention that Tennessee was now conducting a search for his replacement. The search is being spearheaded by Parker Executive Search. Normally I wouldn't do this, but I feel bad for the Volunteers. They are in need of strong leadership, a steady hand on the wheel as it were. So I have reluctantly decided to throw my name into the ring. I am here by announcing my candidacy for the position of Tennessee Athletic Director. I am warning you Phillip Fulmer, I don't play fair. (of course neither did Phillip Fulmer) Just in case you are wondering this isn't a joke, I mean it totally is, but it's not. I really did send the following materials in to make my case.




COVER LETTER:

Daniel F. Parker, Sr. , President

Parker Executive Search

July 9, 2011

Dear Mr. Parker,

It has come to my attention that you are heading up the search for a new Athletic Director for the University of Tennessee. I would like to take this opportunity to offer my expert services for the job.

I believe that I am everything that the University of Tennessee is looking for, and so much more.

In your description of the job at www.parkersearch.com you listed a number of qualifications that you felt the perfect candidate for Tennessee Athletic Director would have. I have taken the time to explain how I fit each one of them:

• demonstrated leadership skills and abilities.

I have almost one hundred friends on facebook.

• commitment to quality and integrity.

I assume we are using a loose definition of integrity? They don't call it the Fulmer Cup cause of what happened when he was coaching at Wichita State University. I don't want to point out a sore spot, but you people hired Lane Kiffin after all. I think you will find that my moral standards far outweigh the average Tennessee coach or A.D.

• demonstrated experience and achievements with strategic planning and goal achievement.

I think the fact I managed to answer all of these repetitive questions shows a level of achievement that is uncharacteristic of Tennessee athletics.

• an understanding of contemporary issues in athletics programs.

Are you already asking me to cheat?

• demonstrated track record of compliance in athletics programs.

Wait … Make up your mind, do you want me to cheat or not?

• an ability to shape, build and sustain UTKs athletics national reputation.

So cheat? Also, you really shouldn't call it UTK. Vols fans hate that.

• the vision to help guide the student-athlete experience through a total athletic program.

So it's like a cult and I am Tom Cruise?

• knowledge of and commitment to affirmative action and equal employment opportunity.

I find it hysterical that this is even on here. Seriously, how many African Americans are you people considering for the A.D. job? Why not just outright say this is on here cause we have to say it.

• ability and willingness to delegate effectively and to hold direct reports accountable.

For my first step in delegation I will change the person responsible for counting how many players we have on the field at one time from Derek Dooley to anyone else.

• strong skills in communications and interpersonal relations.

Awesome, I love Twitter.

• skilled decision-maker, with transparency in decision-making and management.

So don't be like Mike Hamilton, got it.

• excellent oral, written and presentation skills; exceptional listening skills.

Wait … what ... I wasn't paying attention.

• ability to multi-task

I always surf the internet and pretend to work at the same time.

• ability to travel frequently and work evenings and weekends.

As long as I don't have to go to Tennessee I am fine with that.

I know that you are already sold on me and you're ready to jump ahead to my contact info to make me an offer, but I urge you to hold on. Take the time to read the enclosed application, get to know the real Bandit. I have also enclosed a picture for you to get a visual representation of the man you will be hiring. I have a list of esteemed and highly regarded references, including one Tennessee fan.  I look forward to hearing from you about my new position as Athletic Director of the University of Tennessee.

All the best,

Bandit Ref

banditref@gmail.com

www.banditref.com

P.S. I have also enclosed a little something extra for you. I know how these things work in Tennessee.

APPLICATION:

CLICK ON PAGE TO SEE FULL SIZE!

CLICK ON PAGE TO SEE FULL SIZE!

BRIBE:

SELF PORTRAIT:

REFERENCES: 


Bandit Ref is awesome! - Abraham Lincoln 


I used to wear a speedo. - @TideFanAtlanta


Talk about your time in the pumpkin patch. - @TideGP


Bandit Ref would make the best A.D. ever - Gandhi 



Don't give up your day job - @BearlyDoug


Hells Bells - @GulfCoastTider


I want Bandit Ref - Mila Kunis 




As you can see my faithful readers it is only a matter of time until I am named the new athletic director of the university of Tennessee.  I will not forget the little people who got me there however.  I shall be a kind and benevolent ruler.  If you want to help in the cause you can email Daniel Parker at abarfield@parkersearch or you can follow me on twitter or use the hash tag #BanditRefForVolsAD

Next week I am applying for head coach of Ohio State

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